The past few months have been difficult in work. I've been finding it near impossible to achieve a breakthrough in the lives of the three girls I now work with. When I say breakthrough I mean breakthrough in my relationship with them. Every shift I go on seems no different from the last and I can really see my patience wearing thin and their patience wearing thin with me. But in some crazy, upside down way I'm grateful because I'm beginning to see in myself where I lack character. I'm pushed so far out of my comfort zone and challenged that I feel like my weaknesses and insecurities are exposed. I'm impatient, selfish, irresponsible, cowardly, TOO laid back, and pretty terrible at teaching. The imagery might seem a touch extreme but sometimes I look back at my shift and think... bloody hell... I've just walked through fire. This past week alone I've been kicked, shouted at, made to feel 3 millimeters tall, told I'm a "perv", had febreeze-y stuff sprayed in my eyes, threatened by a boy racer as he headbutt the window and tried to get into the car to beat me up, and was kept up til 3.30am because one of the girls decided to listen to "Sister" by Goldie Looking Chain. I wonder if it's just me that the girls bully and abuse but I can see all the staff struggling and I've realized that even if you've worked there for years and invested in the kids you can get a rough time. The girls can sometimes make you feel as bad as they do. They hold onto their insecurities and brokenness as a part of themselves, it's a part of their identity. The chaos that they've grown up in, experienced and known is taken wherever they go and to go in their home, tell them that the world doesn't work like that and THEN turn their lives around is a huge task. The thing is we ALL have brokenness we cling on to and sometimes I feel like we're blind leading the blind. One shift not long ago in the evening when another experienced carer and I were talking about the job and how I felt in it she asked "Do you want it?". As in, do you want to invest your time and effort in these kids? Do you want to be there for them through thick and thin? Do you want to be there when they wind you up and drive you up the wall but there when they need you most, when their brokenness is too much for them? Obviously I wanted to say to her at the time, "Yeah! I'm in, I'm going to be the hero and repair their mistakes!" But that's about as real as Smallville is. Honestly, sometimes I just want to bolt out of there, to work in Asda stacking shelves or join "Eddie Stobart" and drive a truck up and down the country or... ANYTHING else...
I spoke to my manager about my feelings and how I wasn't building any real trust or relationship with the girls and how much of a dead end I felt in and after a conversation with her manager she's assigned me to another care home for next week and maybe the week after. It's not that I'm abandoning my house but hopefully it serves as a re-focusing. Hopefully I can go and after working with the younger boys there I'll be able to gain a bit of perspective and learn a few things that I don't already. I'm really grateful for the management's support and I think the experience in a house is going to be so valuable no matter what happens. I don't want to leave my job, I know it's important and I know I'm good at it. It'll be interesting to see how I get on in this new house, it'll be interesting to see if I stay in this new house or if I'll move back in with the girls. We'll see...
On a completely different note and in what seems a completely different world my personal life is very exciting! My lovely Ruth has moved up to Liverpool and we're thrilled to be in the same city and the same house. The house we're moving into should be ready soon and all the wedding stuff is coming together. (44 more days to go!!!) Ruth and I have been talking and dreaming about hosting a prayer space in the house and we're super excited to have a space set apart where we can creatively worship, pray, be with God and share it with friends. The immediate future looks to be filled with new and exciting circumstances with prospects and dreams of Hong Kong in the not too distant future?
My prayer.
Thank you God for all that you are, for all that you have given me. Thank you that I can experience You, your love, and walk and journey with you every part of every day with the people around me. Thank you for continually healing me and continually refining me and preparing me for fullness of life. I'm excited to walk with you God and I trust in your goodness that trickles and soaks every aspect of life.
In your most precious name Jesus.
Amen.
