Brick House.

Here’s another analogy.

I am the brick house. The bricks make up parts of who I am, my identity, my likes, dislikes, passions, ways of thinking, theology, experiences, that sort of thing.

Over the past two(ish) years I’ve been “de-constructing” by taking apart my brick house and looked very closely at every brick to try to decide whether or not to discard it, put it to one side or rebuild with it. Some decisions have been easy however I have a lot of bricks I’m not too sure of. Actually… there are a lot of bricks that I have no idea what to do with, and a couple of weeks ago it was really overwhelming. A couple of weeks ago I was receiving prayer and I had this image of the top of a hill with bricks everywhere, just everywhere all over the hill and I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt so much pressure, so much doubt, so overwhelmed. But thankfully I was in a safe place. At that moment in time of prayer I was being loved by my wife and friend. The first thing my wife said in response was, “It’s ok. You don’t have to put the bricks back together. That’s something God will do.” The my friend said, “Yeah, that’s it. There’s no pressure”. That’s when it dawned on me. I’m a son. Not a slave, or worker, a hired hand keeping to a time schedule to get it all together before the storms come rolling by. It’s all good… I am loved unconditionally, bricks everywhere, decisions unmade, a bit lost and overwhelmed.

I came across this passage in the Bible a couple of days ago.

Hebrews 3: 1-6

Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest. He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. Jesus has been found worthy of greater honour than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honour than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything. “Moses was faithful as a servant in all God’s house,” bearing witness to what would be spoken by God in the future. But Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house. And we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory.

I know I’ve read this verse before but it’s never really stood out to me until now. I took it as a sign and I’m glad that God speaks through scripture to confirm what he is doing in my life.

If we take the analogy further, what exists outside the house is the weather and seasons and all things outside. Seasons and weathers change and I’m sure that God is rebuilding me for a new season. My house, myself, will be re-structured, re-built and re-designed in such a way that will be the most effective to live out the new season, whatever that looks like.

God is standing on that hill with me rebuilding his house and there’s no rush… He’s handing me a brick at a time and we chat through it and decide what to do with it. It’s good fun.

Culture shock.

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I feel like I'm experiencing culture shock...

The culture shock is in the overwhelming experience of this very extraordinary ordinary way of life, and I've come to realize that what makes the ordinary extraordinary is God’s love manifest in all things.

If you didn't already know, my wife and I live in a community with four others at the moment and we do very normal things here. We eat lots of good healthy food (organic homegrown tomatoes, butternut squash, venison sausages made from wild game), we play (so far... volleyball, softball, cycling, the latter two had my bum aching the day after... don't know how I over-stretched my bum muscles playing softball but whatever), we learn together, we do our grocery shopping (and buy 40lb of bananas for $5), we decorate our house (with a piano and coordinating mismatch furniture), we mow our lawn (with an old petrol lawn mower which has now broke down, so now we use the neighbour's push-mower), play with the neighbour's cat (Asher the kitten), etc...

But it is the intentionality in which we do these things together and build relationships with one another and with God that makes the ordinary extraordinary. Our community house is an example of a few friends getting together, creating an environment in which we can make a home in which family relationships can organically grow and deliberately love one another in everyday life-on-life experiences. The wider community around us adopts the same culture of intentionally cultivating deeper relationships. In the same way we're trying to create that intentional space for God. We set aside time to pray together as a house, we pray with those who live in the same area and we pray as a larger Boiler Room/church community. It feels like the intentionality of what we do (e.g. pray together, eat together, share life together, encourage one another, rest well, spend time alone with God, explore creativity and things that God wants to enjoy with us) opens us up for deeper relationships with each other and with God.

...

I feel like a lot of what I am learning is through osmosis. The culture around me is just seeping into me like water filling a plant cell. It's nice not to be running on empty all the time. Processing all that's going on around me is probably the biggest challenge. Articulating, naming and speaking family values and God's kingdom is not new but I think I best anchor attitudes and concepts by talking about them. I'm a verbal processor so I best process ideas and thoughts by speaking them or writing them down. If I didn't I'd just forget and it would probably lose its impact over time so writing this blog is really good for me :)

I really hope this experience stays with me. That our time in Kansas City, what we're learning and absorbing will really help us to continue to seek to be more like Jesus and live and love like He did. Someone recently said "You can only give out of what you have" and I think that's true.

"The Beach"

I really love beaches. I love the fact that there are rock pools to explore and lots of little animals and a mini ecosystem that lives and thrives there. I love that it's where the land meets the sea and it's constantly changing and moves with the tides. I love it because it's where you can do some fishing! I love that it's a place a lot of people set aside to relax and sunbathe and chill out. I love sunsets. I love the ice cream vans that visit. It's a very fun environment for me.

Right now (in the context of my life) I feel like I'm at the beach. I'm in a sort of "in-between/ transitional" place between "land and sea", one part of my life and the next. I am in Kansas City (Missouri) with my wife and we left home in the UK four days ago with the aim to make Hong Kong our home next year. We're in Kansas City to join "24-7 Prayer" on "The Vision Course" to prepare for our journey onto Hong Kong and just like I would be at the beach I am really really happy to be here. It's just so much fun... Yesterday we played beach volleyball and had a barbeque! Two very "beach-y" activities. We're also here to get to know the people we'll be journeying with in Hong Kong. We (my wife and I) live in a community house and eat together all the time. For me, it's also a place of healing and rest. I haven't been properly plugged into a church community for a while and I'm so excited to join with a home who, in all our brokenness and imperfections, try to seek Jesus, to serve and be served, to live out my sonship in God's kingdom rather than an attitude of a slave or an orphan.  I'm looking forward to all the good things God has in store for us. I'm excited to experience a deepening of character and growing in an ability to love well. I intend to live entirely in the present holding our future lightly, because who knows what's going to happen or where we'll end up? I also intend to blog regularly in a deliberate attempt to make time to reflect and soak all that's going on around and in me. There's a richness that I don't want to miss so it would be my privilege to share with you my journey.

Til the next blog.

Married life.

My last post feels so different life from how I feel now. Obviously I don't blog enough!

Well... I'm married now and honestly I've never felt so full of life. My beautiful new wife and I live in a HUGE house and our rhythm of life is still being developed. It's very exciting and we're still adjusting to each other and our pattern of work rest and play. I think the best thing is that it still feels like a sleepover every night! haha... a bit silly and I know one day the novelty will wear off but at the moment I'm thoroughly enjoying hanging out with my new wife and enjoying her company. One surprising aspect of living in our own place is the amount of cleaning and chores I'm happy to do! I water the plants everyday and everything!! I guess it comes with the sense of belonging and ownership that comes with starting a new family and owning a space of our own.

The wedding day went beautifully. I can't thank the in laws enough for providing such a sweet venue and giving us the space and scope to make it our own. They were brilliant and everyone had a brilliant time :) If you didn't already know our wedding service took place in the local church and then the reception followed in a marquee at Ruth's parent's garden. I think a highlight was "play time" in-between the reception meal and evening do where everyone just sat around the grounds, played cricket, badminton, "Kubbs" or just had a good catch up. The next day Ruth and I spent almost the whole 9 hours in the car on the way down to Cornwall just looking back on the day, looking back on how we felt, laughing at friends and sharing stories. It was a good drive.

The honeymoon was beautiful as well! We played with a feral kitten, bought a "chocolate- mint" plant, ate lots of seafood, checked out King Arthur's pad, hung out in our pretty little cottage, drove and drove and drove and took lots of pictures!

Lately I've developed a keen interest in golf and sea fishing. Signs of old age are already creeping up and I've just gotten married!! If all goes to plan by our one year anniversary I'll be wearing corduroy, growing a beard, smoking a pipe, eating high tea, talking about the news and developing an interest in birdwatching or gardening... I've noticed in my conversation with friends or friend (Kenny) that we talk about the most trivial things but find then thoroughly interesting, sunken boats in Sweden and the like. I find it interesting though (well I would do I feel as if I'm getting more boring by the minute) that I'm leaving my rebellious and wayward nature behind and adopting a more sensible more grounded outlook on life. I remember as a teenager I was often a rebel without a cause, I just fancied saying no and deliberately doing things differently and did what I wanted to do. I no longer feel the need to buck against the trend or go out of my way to define myself as an individual. I guess I'm continually re-realizing how there is so much more to my life than just myself and that's immense. To live for more than just me, to live for more than my own amusement and entertainment is so fulfilling. Like I said in the beginning of this blog I feel full of life. In giving all of me away on the 23rd of July I gained infinitely more. Strange sort of economics that isn't it? I started this particular blog without an agenda, or a message as such but I guess I'd like to leave it here. I'd like to leave this blog recognizing that I'm full of life because in my marriage with Ruth I'm free to give myself completely away without reservation, to live for someone else which is so much more than... anything that I can think of.

Shifts.

The past few months have been difficult in work. I've been finding it near impossible to achieve a breakthrough in the lives of the three girls I now work with. When I say breakthrough I mean breakthrough in my relationship with them. Every shift I go on seems no different from the last and I can really see my patience wearing thin and their patience wearing thin with me. But in some crazy, upside down way I'm grateful because I'm beginning to see in myself where I lack character. I'm pushed so far out of my comfort zone and challenged that I feel like my weaknesses and insecurities are exposed. I'm impatient, selfish, irresponsible, cowardly, TOO laid back, and pretty terrible at teaching. The imagery might seem a touch extreme but sometimes I look back at my shift and think... bloody hell... I've just walked through fire. This past week alone I've been kicked, shouted at, made to feel 3 millimeters tall, told I'm a "perv", had febreeze-y stuff sprayed in my eyes, threatened by a boy racer as he headbutt the window and tried to get into the car to beat me up, and was kept up til 3.30am because one of the girls decided to listen to "Sister" by Goldie Looking Chain. I wonder if it's just me that the girls bully and abuse but I can see all the staff struggling and I've realized that even if you've worked there for years and invested in the kids you can get a rough time. The girls can sometimes make you feel as bad as they do. They hold onto their insecurities and brokenness as a part of themselves, it's a part of their identity. The chaos that they've grown up in, experienced and known is taken wherever they go and to go in their home, tell them that the world doesn't work like that and THEN turn their lives around is a huge task. The thing is we ALL have brokenness we cling on to and sometimes I feel like we're blind leading the blind. One shift not long ago in the evening when another experienced carer and I were talking about the job and how I felt in it she asked "Do you want it?". As in, do you want to invest your time and effort in these kids? Do you want to be there for them through thick and thin? Do you want to be there when they wind you up and drive you up the wall but there when they need you most, when their brokenness is too much for them? Obviously I wanted to say to her at the time, "Yeah! I'm in, I'm going to be the hero and repair their mistakes!" But that's about as real as Smallville is. Honestly, sometimes I just want to bolt out of there, to work in Asda stacking shelves or join "Eddie Stobart" and drive a truck up and down the country or... ANYTHING else...

I spoke to my manager about my feelings and how I wasn't building any real trust or relationship with the girls and how much of a dead end I felt in and after a conversation with her manager she's assigned me to another care home for next week and maybe the week after. It's not that I'm abandoning my house but hopefully it serves as a re-focusing. Hopefully I can go and after working with the younger boys there I'll be able to gain a bit of perspective and learn a few things that I don't already. I'm really grateful for the management's support and I think the experience in a house is going to be so valuable no matter what happens. I don't want to leave my job, I know it's important and I know I'm good at it. It'll be interesting to see how I get on in this new house, it'll be interesting to see if I stay in this new house or if I'll move back in with the girls. We'll see...

On a completely different note and in what seems a completely different world my personal life is very exciting! My lovely Ruth has moved up to Liverpool and we're thrilled to be in the same city and the same house. The house we're moving into should be ready soon and all the wedding stuff is coming together. (44 more days to go!!!) Ruth and I have been talking and dreaming about hosting a prayer space in the house and we're super excited to have a space set apart where we can creatively worship, pray, be with God and share it with friends. The immediate future looks to be filled with new and exciting circumstances with prospects and dreams of Hong Kong in the not too distant future?

My prayer.
Thank you God for all that you are, for all that you have given me. Thank you that I can experience You, your love, and walk and journey with you every part of every day with the people around me. Thank you for continually healing me and continually refining me and preparing me for fullness of life. I'm excited to walk with you God and I trust in your goodness that trickles and soaks every aspect of life.
In your most precious name Jesus.
Amen.

My workplace.

Hi!

It has been a long time since I last blogged. A very long time indeed... Since my last blog EVERYTHING has changed. Well not everything but a lot... Since my last blog I've started working as a Residential Care Worker supporting vulnerable youths. The 4 kids I work with have attachment disorders which means that they struggle to form relationships and build healthy attachments to and with other people. It's a very rewarding job but immensely challenging. I've never been so angry, frustrated, pushed, stressed out and anxious in all my life. Before almost all my shifts I drive to work with a knot in my stomach just hoping and praying that today will be a good shift! Quite often tho that's the worst part of the day. I realize now that you don't need to go to the poorest parts of the world to love the "least of these". (Not that I would dare knock anyone who's dream is to go feed the homeless in Calcutta). I feel for me right now the neediest for me are those right on my door step, in exotic Runcorn. The neglect and abuse that the kids will have been through is one of the worst possible sufferings a human being can endure. My job is to care and to bring restoration and to repair the brokenness of the kids I work with. (Which by the way is often much harder than to start again, I think God knows what I'm talking about). To salvage and to grow in these kids a hope for their future and to help them realize their potential. It's a flipping massive task! It feels impossibly hard sometimes because of the nature of the work, I have to remain professional and sometimes that involves protecting myself and not leaving myself vulnerable to these kids, sometimes it feels impossible to communicate to the kids because they're teenagers and think they know everything! (I remember the feeling). And sometimes it feels impossible because I know that I am one carer of a team of 9, from one out of two or three houses that these kids will have lived in, after spending so many years with a foster family, after being taken away from they birth families by a social worker who they think knows nothing about who they are.

But it's not all about me. I'm becoming more and more aware of the joy and pleasure I get in sharing joy with other people. It multiplies. It's so fruitful! There's a real freedom in living a life that is completely invested in other people. Screw a lifetime of seeking fullness of pleasure for yourself. I think life gets REALLY exciting when you can share it with someone else. One thing I have learned from these kids is how difficult it is to live for "number one". The kids I work with are the most stressed out, highly strung, most scared, difficult and selfish people I have ever met. They're a product of the society we live in. I belong to that society, I belong to a generation of broken, lazy, uncreative, destructive and consumer cultured people who can have kids!

However! God cares. He's doing something about it. I can see in the heartbeat and work of my colleagues and my manager battling everyday to spin the ball the other way, to pull the gear stick out of reverse and back into first. I see the kingdom of God breaking through, (even if my colleagues aren't "Christian"), glimpses of the Holy Spirit, little shards of light flickering as God gradually breaks in to guide us, to save us from the destruction that we head towards. I want to shout "COME ON GOD! SHOW YOUR LOVE!!", suffering every kick, punch and bite, putting up with every racial, verbal and physical abuse that these children can throw knowing that in the end maybe one... maybe two might turn around and think, "hm, maybe there is a better way of doing things, maybe I am loved more than I will ever know, maybe there is someone who loves and care for me because honestly, that's what I need".

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth".

The Friday just gone (2/5/10) we had another talk on the beatitudes. I spoke on Matthew 5:5. "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." (NIV).

It was flipping difficult to communicate my understanding of this verse. The way I understand meek was based on the Greek- 'Praus' which is another word for mild (by implication) or humble. The way I interpreted the verse was by looking at what wasn't meek. And who inherits or possesses the earth now. From what I can see those who inherit the earth (greek- 'ge'- soil, by extension a region or the solid part or the whole of the globe) at this moment in time is those in power, those who have influence. The politicians, the land owners, the billionaires, the oil companies, the CEO's, the "super sweet 16's" (if you've ever seen that program!), etc... The earth is carved up and distributed to those who can grab a hold of it. Domination, force and sometimes oppression are how we 'inherit' the earth.

So how is it that Jesus can say the MEEK inherit the earth. My experience of it is the opposite. I imagine in Jesus' time the same rule applied as it does today or at least looked somewhat similar. The earth was carved up and the Romans had most of it. The disciples who Jesus was teaching would believe that they were the rightful owners of the land, that they were given the land by their fathers before them, that if God was really God, and they were God's chosen people then He would want the very best for them.

Rob Bell helped me to understand that what Jesus may have meant was based on Psalm 37. Bell explains in one of his sermons (http://marshill.org/cart/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=57_38&products_id=560) that when Jesus was speaking, what He was saying wasn't new. Throughout the Psalm there are the words 'meek', 'inheritance' and 'earth'/'land'. The disciples will have been familiar with if not knew Psalm 37. By using words like meek, inheritance and earth, Jesus was doing was what Bell calls 'Remez': a hint, a reference to something else.

Have a look and see that the Psalm speaks of how the evil in this world will wither away. "For like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon wither away". All the imagery in the Psalm speaks of how God will oppose evil. How God will stand with the meek and oppressed. That God walks with the meek, the righteous. It is a Psalm of hope and comfort for the oppressed.

And that is what Jesus is pointing at. Jesus is saying that you don't need to gain power, gain status, and force your way to the top, you don't need to fight for your land, you don't need to pick up your sword and start swinging, because by doing that (even if you do it in the name of God) you will only be opposing God. Jesus taught to turn the other cheek when struck (Matt 5:39), to walk two miles when forced to walk one (Matt 5:41)... to "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matt 5:44).

It's a very radical, very revolutionary idea... "To our most bitter opponents we say: "Throw us in jail and we will still love you. Bomb our houses and threaten our children and we will still love you. Beat us and leave us half dead, and we will still love you. But be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory." - Dr Martin Luther King Jr., "The American Dream".

I think the point is not about who actually 'inherits" the earth but what will last. Psalm 37 says that evil will wither away... empires will rise and fall, oppressors and dictators will have their time but eternal things will live on for... well, eternity - things that are creative and reproduce, things that we all connect with and deeply desire. Things like love, things like acceptance, peace, joy, kindness, and so much more. Maybe when Jesus points to eternal life He is pointing to what is already created, what already exists and IS will last forever. But evil will not go on forever. Better to invest in what is eternal than to invest in what will wither away... right?

On Friday I spoke about how we draw distinctions, divisions and lines. Not necessarily physically on the earth but socially speaking there is plenty to define our differences, there is plenty of room for a crisis of identity in an individual today. There are different races, religions and cultural and generational divisions. The meek are the oppressed. I can see now that I might have been wrong when I said that "everyone is meek", because I imagine that there are people who believe that they have it all together, that they have what they want and can do whatever they want to whoever they want. But does anyone actually believe this, or does everyone still have at least a niggling feeling that they don't have it all together or that they aren't keeping up... after all, don't those who do strive for having it all together only do so because they believe that they don't yet?

Meekness is this recognition that we don't have it all together.

I don't know about you, but I don't think meekness is drawing up a constitution or policy and getting the biggest number of followers. Neither do I think it is forcing our thinking onto someone else, nor is it "fighting terror with terror" (George W. Bush Jr).

Maybe meekness can be recognizing that we don't have all the answers to saving the world.

Maybe meekness is knowing that without God we are screwed.

Maybe meekness is trusting that God has it all sorted regardless of race, religion or denomination.

Maybe meekness is dying on a cross asking "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"...


I think that we would be very blessed if we recognized that we share the same needs, and actually acted to help each other to meet these needs. But naturally, as I spoke on Friday in church there was a whole plethora of complicated discussion over humility, whether everyone was meek, how everyone was or could be meek especially when I when I said that "everyone is meek". Somehow, it led to a discussion on heaven, hell and eternal life, which led to a discussion on unconditional love, which led to a discussion of truth and interpretation of the Bible, which led to subjective and objective truth, which led back to the interpretation of the Bible, which led to aspects of eschatology, which led back to heaven and hell, etc...

But I'll end with a joke.

So there's this massive queue of people outside the pearly gates of heaven ready to go in and Peter is standing there with the book of life ticking people off as they go inside. An admin angel with a full-on suit comes up and taps Peter on the shoulder saying, "hey Peter, there seems to be a bit of a problem. There are more people inside heaven than there are recorded in the book of life." and Peter says, "that's strange..." The angel says, "but don't worry about it, I'll go check it out and see what's going on." The angel returns a little later saying to Peter, "Yeah, we found the problem... Turns out Jesus is on the other side of heaven pulling people in from the other side."

It is a wonderful thought isn't it? The thought of Jesus pulling people over the walls of heaven saying to the homosexuals, the murderers, the liars, the thieves, the pedophiles, the Hitlers and Stalins "Come in, there's plenty of room for you here. Don't worry, you won't mess it up. My grace is enough."